STC slippage

* AWOOOGA! AWOOOGA! *

"Proximity alert! Incoming at twentytwo degrees mark nine" the navigator shouted over the alarm.

"Hard to starboard. Full thrusters, lieutenant" the plummy British voice commanded, using the proper 'leftenant' pronounciation. Then the captain turned to me. "Display" he ordered.

"Aye, Sir" I complied, bringing an image of the interloper into view within the holographic display at the centre of the bridge.

"What the deuce is that, lieutenant-commander?" the captain asked.

"Unknown, Sir. A private cruiser, maybe?" My fingers flicked across the interface bringing up details of the unknown vessel from the ongoing intelligence scans. "Hull pennant identifies it as one SS Garland. Registry SNSN1MPLB."

The captain pursed his thin lips as he watched the vessel on the display passing beneath our ship. "I don't recognise the configuration - Whose is it?"

"It doesn't match any known classes or recorded ship sightings, Sir. Although, there are some similarities with fictional ships."

"If I may interrupt, Sirs" the science officer politely interjected. "Sensors are detecting Cusp interface residue on the hull."

"Cusp?! Here?" I blurted out in shock. The captain narrowed his eyes at my outburst.

The science officer looked up from her console again. "I am detecting two other distinct Cusp trails on parallel headings to the unknown vessel."

"Lieutenant-Commander, would you hail that thing."

"Yes, Sir." I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as the hail went out.

"Sorry fellas" a female voice suddenly emanated from the speakers. It had a distinct Australian accent. "Shit! Nearly got you just now. Good job you're pretty manoeuvrable, eh?"

I winced in recognition, feeling chunks rising up my throat.

"Indeed" the captain replied, completely unamused. "I am Captain Bronson of the HMS Iceni. And you are?"

"T-Bird" the disembodied voice answered. "Listen, I don't suppose you've seen a Cher-class STC cruiser go by, have you?"

Captain Bronson looked at me quizzically and mouthed "Cher-class?" I rolled my eyes. "Young lady" he started to say before T-Bird chimed in again.

"Crap. IDV's gonna kill me. He's probably facing off Tim as we speak."

Before I could try and explain what was going on to my captain, the navigator piped up. "We have another two incoming contacts, Sir, on one ninetyseven mark two oh four."

"Display." Complying, I changed the holographic image to show the positions of the STC cruisers in relation to our ship, and magnified the two incoming cruisers in a seperate display. They were attacking each other.

"Captain! Some kind of weapon system has activated on the SS Garland" the science officer warned.

"T-Bird" the captain barked. "What's going on?"

"I have to go to IDV's aid. His SS Judith Hann is only a science ship, he'll need help to defeat Tim's battleship SS Autumn Reeser." Some scrabbling and flicking of switches could be heard over the open comm channel. "I've just gone to pink alert and armed my Cillian Murphy Bee Sting Torpedo Cannons - You'd better clear the area" T-Bird answered. "Spooling up Dolly Parton Drive..."

We watched the display as the SS Garland pulled away from us and headed towards the incoming ships. The sound of her drive reverberated over the comm: Va Va VOOM!

"Monitor those ships but keep us out of their firing range" Captain Bronson said trying hard not to let the bewilderment he felt become evident to his crew.

I managed to tap into the comm systems of the other two ships so we could listen in as they continued their dog fight.

"You'll never penetrate my launch bay, IDV! Engaging Panic at the Discotron Weapons!"

"Ha! That might have worked against my last ship, the Joanna Lumley, but this is a Cher-class cruiser. Those waves of intense sound are easily neutralised."

"Damn it."

"Here. Have some of your own medicine - Let's see how you fare against my Vocoder Beam!"

"Arrrggh! My ears! Raising Boob Deflectors and increasing Sexiness."

"Ohhh... So sexy... Must. Resist."

"Mwah hah hah hah ha- What the...?"

"Agent B. Hive was one of the best, you diabolical fiend!"

"T-Bird?!"

"The very same. Cillian Murphy Bee Sting Torpedoes away!"

"Yikes! Evasive action!" We watched as the SS Autumn Reeser spiralled away from the incoming SS Garland, attempting to dodge the subtle but expensive torpedoes. "Launching Agatha Christie Counter Measures." A techno-organic swarm of old ladies suddenly deployed from the launch tubes of the spaceworn battleship, most were destroyed by the SS Garland's torpedoes, but some made their way to the hulls of both the Garland and the Judith Hann.

"Eeeek!" T-Bird shrieked. "The Miss Marples are investigating my hull for weaknesses and picking away at it with their Gossip Beams. Mayday! Mayday!"

"Hang on, T-Bird! I'm coming." The Judith Hann, it's regenerative plastic shielding easily thwarting the Miss Marples that had landed on it, swung towards the listing SS Garland. "I'm deploying Tea and Cake. That should take care of the Miss Marples but you might want to shake your ship a couple of times when they're distracted - They'll fall and break their hips, rendering them ineffective."

"Will do. Thanks IDV."

"No, thank you for coming to my aid. I could never penetrate Tim's launch bay without you. Speaking of which, where is he?"

"Oh no! It looks like he's coming about for a strafeing run!"

"Not to worry, my main disruptor is fully charged. He won't know what's hit him!"

"You don't mean-?"

"Yes. Firing Fabulous Ray!"

A beam of pink glittering light erupted from the Judith Hann and enveloped the approaching Autumn Reeser.

"What the-?" Tim stuttered over the comm. "All my status displays and view screens have changed - They're showing online shopping... Oooh! Look at those shoes! I must have them. And I wonder if that shirt comes in my size? Can I carry off pink? That skinny fit sweater would show off my awesome pecs. * gasp * Sexy trainers!"

As Tim tailed off, his ship drifting aimlessly, T-Bird and IDV crowed in victory. Tractor beams took the SS Autumn Reeser in tow and all three ships moved off, disappearing over a Cusp Interface.